03/06/26

You don’t know how you got here. You never imagined being this person. You love your partner and you’re committed to him, but somehow you both lost your way. Your relationship faded into the background as life got busy. Now you’re here, having an affair. The word ‘affair’ doesn’t feel quite right; it feels like more than that, and you don’t know what to do.

You’re stuck. This isn’t about you being a bad person. It’s not as simple as doing a bad thing. It’s never that black and white, never that simple.

You were there in your relationship, but you felt alone. Somewhere along the line, your lives disconnected. You stopped talking and became two people living in the same house.

Then there was the friend at work. You spent a lot of time together, sitting next to each other, making silly jokes, feeling like he really got you. Then one night, at after-work drinks, you found yourself alone with him. Somehow you kissed. You stopped it, you felt bad, it shouldn’t have happened, but then you kissed again.

The next day, you both agreed it had been a mistake. But from that moment on, you saw him differently. There was a new sense of excitement, and it became harder to forget what had happened.

Then there was the work trip. The drinks flowed, and you ended up back in his room. You couldn’t believe what had happened. You vowed it wouldn’t happen again, but it did. You were drawn to him in a way you couldn’t explain. The word ‘affair’ feels reductive, as though it isn’t enough, and you’re not the sort of person who has an affair.

Now you’re living two lives. With him, you are in your secret, exciting bubble, snatching moments together, and you feel so alive.

At home, things are better. You are more attentive to your partner. You love him and you don’t want to hurt him.

But the other side of this? You’re stressed. You’re starting to feel lonely. You’re on edge, wondering if you’ve been seen or if your messages have been read. You know you can’t go on like this, but you love them both.

You have no one to talk to about it because affairs are so taboo. Before this, you were judgmental about them; this was something other people did. You’re scared to talk to your friends: what if they judge you? What if they force you to tell? You feel ashamed. This isn’t what you’re supposed to do.

You know you need to make a choice; you can’t keep lying, and they both deserve more. You know the choice will hurt them and hurt you. You don’t know which way to turn. You’re stuck between two worlds.

In my work as a counsellor, I see this come up: the confusion, the shock that this is where you are.

If this feels familiar, you are not alone. Just because you find yourself in something that lots of people frown upon doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help or support. I am not here to judge or condone affairs, but I am here to help you understand how you got here and think about which way to go next.

I won’t tell you what to do or give you simplistic answers.

If you’re wondering, ‘How did I get here? I never thought I’d be this person,’ and you’d like some support, you’re welcome to reach out for a chat about how counselling might help.

Helen